Today it's about sharing a personal experience about how Mindfulness has helped me heal. The reason for me to explore the path was that I was very distressed and could find no remedy for my ever-rampant, agitated mind. I struggled to pay attention and be productive as the continuous mental activity used to drain me out.
In one retreat, when I first experienced a Mindfulness practice, I could experience some glimpses of stability, and I decided to try it. Despite knowing how much I needed it, I still wasn't consistent with my practice. Thanks to one video from Thich Nath Hanh, I decided to be consistent and committed to the practice from that day onwards.
For the first few months, in the short sittings I did, all I could see was my busy mind pulling me in all directions. I also had brief moments of stability, but my practice won't go beyond a few minutes due to the hyper-mental activity. I persisted, and then something started to shift. I could slowly develop the awareness to catch my wandering mind and be more present without getting dragged into mental activity. There were more moments of stillness than agitation, and this attentional stability also started helping me focus more on my work.
Mindfulness is always fresh, and there is always something to explore in the depths of the mind. As the practice grew, I started noticing long-forgotten, suppressed memories of difficult events I faced started coming up. I had thought that I had resolved all of them in my mind, only to realise that I had suppressed them, and they had started resurfacing. This time, however, the difference was that there was the energy of Mindfulness to see all of these surfacing, watch my mental activity, my body going through strong sensations and yet not be swept away or suppress any of this. As I stayed present to everything that came up, I started to ease with my past. Even beyond the cushion, when these memories came up, I didn't feel the need to avoid them and divert myself. I could stay present to them and release them without conjuring up the dysfunctional stories I held in my head for years.
This process shouldn't be mistaken as an act of will to be free from the past. Every part of my being was willing to be free from the past, but I didn't know the tools. My daily practice unfolded the path for me, and today while the memories of the past still remain, I am free from the emotional baggage of my past. I feel lighter, free and inspired to explore newer possibilities than let the past govern my present.
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